Waiting For Marriage - Let’s Talk Sex
Today’s topic has been highly requested and I’m super excited to get shameless with ya'll! This journey hasn’t always been easy but it’s so worth it!
At this point, I have been celibate for over 4 years. I’m going to be completely open and honest and share the details of how I got here, how I manage and my tips if you’re also trying to wait.
So first, I want to talk about my choice of waiting. It was never my intention to actually wait until marriage. The choice I was making, was to abstain from sex until I was in a committed relationship. For me, that meant engagement. I wanted a man to truly love me for me without sex and be willing to fully commit to me before we take that next step.
But because Dre is who he is, he had other plans. When I found out he made a vow to wait until marriage, I had to be willing to adjust if I was going to continue building a relationship with him.
Watch the video below to hear about our spiritual journey's and why we decided to wait!
When I agreed to wait until marriage with him, I had no clue how long I would actually be waiting. I figured it wouldn’t be too long because hey, he is a man and I’m sure it doesn’t want to wait any longer than he has to haha.
We got engaged a year and 3 months after dating. Because we wanted to a destination wedding, we knew we were going to have to set the date far out in order to give people enough notice. We knew our location of choice was the Dominican Republic and May is the best month of the year weather-wise. We got engaged August of 2018 and we new May of 2019 would be too soon so we decided on doing May of 2020.
That means when we get married, we would have waited a full 3 years together. But we were also waiting before we started dating separately. It will be 4+ years in total for both of us.
Honestly, it doesn’t feel like it has been that long. Time flies by when you’re having fun and staying busy and that’s exactly what we have been doing. We have been so busy falling in love without sex and focusing on our goals that it hasn’t been a real adjustment.
Moment of transparency, I masturbated MORE when I was in a sexual relationship than I do waiting. At this exact moment, I haven’t even thought about it in over a month. Sometimes I get scared. Like did I lose my sex drive completely? Am I so used to not having sex that I won’t want to once we’re married? But have you seen my fiance? I don’t think that will be a problem haha.
We are so attracted to one another that I don’t see that being a possibility but I would be lying if I didn’t say it crosses my mind every once and a while.
At this exact moment when I’m recording this episode, we are a little over 4 months away from the wedding. I’m definitely noticing more than normal sexual tension with Dre and I think it’s because I’m starting to visualize our wedding night.
If you don’t already know this, Dre and I have been living together basically our whole relationship. 2 months into dating I moved in due to unfortunate circumstances and we always get the question of how do we wait while living together.
It’s honestly no different from waiting and not living with someone. You don’t have to live with someone to have sex with them. Sex can happen anywhere, anytime.
We are able to wait because we both know our “why”. The reason why we wait is so much greater than any momentary pleasure. Waiting has allowed us to prioritize and focus on reaching our goals and growing as individuals so that we can make sure we start our marriage in a place that is healthy and filled with love.
When we first started dating I was kind of a mess. I had a lot of emotional and past baggage that I hadn’t sorted through and being in a relationship really tested me. I realized things that I didn’t like about myself and I knew I had to be better. In normal relationships, you fight, have sex and makeup. But the issue is that core problems are swept under the rug. They are hidden for the moment but they are still there. Because we are always in a sober state of mind, it makes us accountable for our actions and we support each other through them.
I know for certain if we were having sex, our business would not be where it is today because of the amount of commitment and energy it took. Ya'll know how you are after sex. You wanna lay up, snuggle, chill, watch movies. We literally do not have time for that in this season of our life.
Most people are shocked when they find out we have never had sex together and I don’t blame them. I get it, it’s not the norm. But that’s what makes it so beautiful. Most people jump into sexual relationships and become attached to people that they have no business being with. Waisting years of their life on someone who should of never been in it. So if you’re thinking of making this commitment, listen to me! It’s worth it!
Waiting as a couple will never work if both parties don’t actually want to wait and believe in their “why”. So if you struggle with waiting, you don’t really believe you’re why or you’re being pressured by the other person and out of fear for losing them or moments of weakness, you give in. You have to got find someone who is on the page as you otherwise it won’t work.
So let’s talk about how we are able to wait.
After both people know their “why” and are fully committed, it’s important to set boundaries. The exact same boundaries we set when we were dating are the exact same boundaries we have living together.
They are 4 simple rules that we stick by and they haven’t let us down yet!
We don’t french kiss
We don’t touch each other’s private areas
We don’t shower together
We don’t get drunk
So when people ask us if we have sex of any kind, the answer is no. Not oral, no foreplay, nothing at all. Our affection is shown through hugs, and PG 13 kisses and snuggles.
Imagine yourself trying to escalate to sex if all you could do is peck the person. Weird right? It wouldn’t work. It would be really hard to get someone in the mood like that. Now, this doesn’t mean we’ve never french kissed each other. We just don’t do it in places where things could actually happen. So if you ever see us walking the streets of DC tonguing each other down, just let us live our life B! Haha
The no touching private parts are serious. Like none what’s so ever. Not even my boobs. We keep our touching very PG 13. What’s the point in playing like that when we know what we want the end result to be? That’s like saying you’re not going to drink for 30 days but then you go to the bar every day of the week. That’s a recipe for you to fail.
The no showering is a rule that had to make for me. Dre personally loves his alone time in the shower. I’m sure we all know why wink wink. But I tried to say that we could shower together and nothing happen but again, why even play like that. We see each other naked in the house when we are getting dressed but it doesn’t tempt us because we aren’t touching.
The drunk boundary is absolutely the most important rule and boundary that we set. During the beginning of our relationship, I struggled with this one and thankfully Dre is really responsible and serious about his commitment because there’s been 2x in the past when I was drunk and I was trying to tempt him to have sex. Dre being Dre either slept somewhere else for the night or made me stay at a friends. Such a good guy!
Now, I have my drinking under control and I respect the boundary because I understand how serious it is. Because I love Dre, I just think of him and not disappointing him or putting us in a compromising situation. Being sober allows us to make wise choices. I guarantee that if at any point we both were drunk enough we would definitely have slipped up.
So if you are in a relationship, remember the first step is having 2 equally committed parties who know and believe in the reason why they are waiting. Step 2 is to set the boundaries needed for each party. If your man can’t see you naked without wanting to have sex, sorry sis, but you’re going to have to cover up. The only left to do is wait for the amount of time that you’re committing to. My best advice is to stay busy.
Now if you’re single, the same rules apply. The only difference is, as your dating and feeling people out, don’t put yourself in compromising situations where sex can happen. Only go to public places where you know you’re in the clear. The moment you’re in someone’s home, snuggling and touching, well you know what’s next! So don’t set yourself up for failure!
I really hope this was helpful and insightful. Make sure to check out our YouTube video “What If It Ain't No Good - Why We Wait For Marriage”.
Thanks so much for reading and until next time, be shameless!